I Often Wonder About Myself...

Monday, November 7


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...Trying time...

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to make sacrifices. We all know they are necessary in life, they must be done. But what happens if you don't want to? What if you just leave it alone and hope it all works out? Like somehow, fait will find a place for all of the misplaced shit you accumulate during your life.

All the junk you hold onto knowing you can easily get rid of it all and call it a day will somehow vanish to make it easier on you. All the negative energy finds a place to go. All of the people who have hurt you magically disappear from your life just as easily as they came in. Would that be better?

No. When it comes down to it, you are the one playing the hand you have been dealt. It is time for you to decide if you want to stick it out. Fold or not, bluff or give. The game master is out there dealing you a hand that only you are able to play with. You need to play it out until the game is over.

Anyone who has played a good game of Rummy or Poker will know it isn't an easy thing to do. One wrong move and you are screwed. Screwed hard at that, with the distinct possibility of needing to restart. This is how I am looking at life now. A game, a card game. The dealer knows what you are getting in this game and he wants to see how you are going to play it out. Instead of suits and face cards, you have money, friends, enemies, places, adventures, love, and so much more. At any given moment your new hand contains all new cards. It is virtually impossible for even the best of card counters to memorize all these cards due to the fact that they are always changing and you never know when the game master is going to invent a whole new deck.

I know that was a lot of blabbering to try and keep up with, but bare with me, I am going through a lot right now.

I'll let you in on my current hand, I have one friend, a little love... ok, a lot, education, family, values, family-values, integrity and morals. I have, equally, a lot to gain and lose. I don't wanna be the one just to love and lose. I don't want to decide the fait of a life long friendship, I really don't want to think about where my morals and values are conflicting in this hand, and I am having the hardest time trying to figure out how the f*&k I am going to get my ass back in school.

I miss school! Who would have thought I would ever utter those very words? LOL. The only thing I know right now is that I am a mom and I have to figure out how to get my daughter to stop biting her brother. I spent a good portion of my day singing and for those of you who know me, that has always been my comfort, my release, my way out and to figure out what's up and down. But it didn't work this time. When I turned off the music the answer wasn't there, I didn't get my proverbial smack in the face or wake up call. Have I reached that point where nothing will work now and my game master is seeing through the bluffs and possible cheats?

To keep identities secret I will not go too deep into it, but I have been betrayed. I have been a puppet on a string for a while and I don't know what to do. The two people I have always depended on are no longer there and all my back ups have vanished. My mom is too busy with her new man and my best friend has more important things on her plate right now. After high school I kept a few friend. We were so close and told each other everything. But now I am alone. I have no one and I really hate having to meet new people. I don't know how anymore not to mention the fact that I wouldn't know where to start. It's just too complicated these days. This isn't 3rd grade when you walk up to someone and this happened
*Hi, my name is Melissa*
*Hi, I'm Lucy*
*Cool. Wanna be friends?*
*Sure.*
And the rest was history, you now had a friend for however long you wanted to keep them around.

I don't know anymore. Over the past year my whole life has been turned upside down and thrown into a tornado to land God knows where. With that, I am gonna go. I have babbled about nothing for way too long.

~ C~YA ~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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