I Often Wonder About Myself...
Thursday, December 1
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Sad And Somewhat Morbid Post
Lets see if I can write this without having a nervous breakdown…
Last night, I was getting Alicia and Branden’s beds ready for them to hop in. As I was laying out the blanket that I hand made for Alicia, I couldn’t help but think if it would be the last time “I” ever did that for her. As a mother, some of your worst fears are seeing your kids hurt, or watching them get into the wrong crowd, or teased, or sick. But I have noticed that I have not worried about that as much. I have worried more about them growing up without a mommy.
Branden and I are close. He and I have a bond that I have only seen with a select few others. I don’t know what we would do without eachother! He’s my baby boy. And I need to be here for Alicia and he future friends. I need to warn her friends that she has some real bitchy qualities and let them know that her love is often confused with anger. That she is a kind and loving soul and should not be taken seriously at all times.
Most if all, the thought of someone else having to raise my children…it’s almost sickening. Day care workers or new spouse, it’s all the same.
So as I tried so hard to hide it from them, they knew. I left as quickly as I could and went in after I calmed down a bit. By then, Alicia was fast asleep. She looked so beautiful and peaceful all curled up nice and warm in her little bed. Branden on the other hand was wide awake.
Like my mom told me earlier that night on the phone, he and I are connected, and when I am upset, sick or stressed, he feels it and he loses sleep over it. Weather I want to see it, believe it or not… He does. And last night I did see it.
I laid down in his bed with him for a bit and as I silently sobbed away into the blanket. He didn’t say a word, he just lie there and stroked my hair while he gave me the occasional kiss on the cheek or hand. It’s almost as if he didn’t want me to know that he knew how I was feeling. Last night, he was one of the ultimate comforts I have ever received in my life.
If you believe in fait, or the *other side* then you may understand me when I tell you it was as thought he was someone else from my past. I recently lost my Great Aunt *NiNi* and when I was younger that is how she used to comfort me. She would lay me down and just be there. She would never say much, if anything. She just knew to *be there * for/with me. And believe me when I say that last night, I felt like she was right there with me and Branden.
Yesterday was emotional in many ways. While I was out running errands, I had to drive past Dawn’s old apartment. It took my breath away, just for a second, but it happened. I have subconsciously avoided that route, down Red Bug Lake RD, to get anywhere over the past 10 months. After the first 2 weeks or so, I never found it in me to go that way. But yesterday I passed by and as if I was going to see her in her car going to work or something, I looked for her. When I didn’t see her, I was almost let down. But that is something that we all must face at one point in time of our lives. We must all face death and the pain it carries with it. Yet, at the same time, we will all learn how to see, as morbid as this will sound, the joy in it as well. Not that death is joyous, however, we learn to see through to the *happy times* of our loved ones whom may have *passed*.
With that, I believe I have given enough morbidity and insight for a month! So I will go for now. Take care and again thank you all for all of the support you have given us these past few weeks. If we do not express it enough, please know that we do appreciate it more than you will ever conceive.
~ Love * Love ~
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10:27 AM
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