I Often Wonder About Myself...
Monday, March 14
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…Ready, Set, Rant…
So I haven’t blogged in a while, wich means this may be rrreeeaaalllyyy long.
Quick reference:
John is my Dad
Dawn is my Stepmom
Gram is Dawn’s mom
Kearstin is my sister
As if I didn’t bitch and complain about my childhood enough, it is now coming back to haunt me. January 28 my stepmom died. Suicide. Since then it has been one thing after another. My Dad and little sister have been pretty messed up with it all, so I have been there to help them and comfort them. First of all, no one person seemed to care that I too lost someone. Everyone in her family just kind of sort of sat there and acted as if I was just someone there. I was nowhere mentioned as someone in her life. At both services I was totally ignored. Her stepsister and stepbrother were mentioned but her stepdaughter wasn’t.
Suddenly all attention is on Kearstin. Apparently she is the one most affected by Dawn’s death. My dad even stated that he feels as though no one takes his feelings into consideration when it comes to this. My mom’s family and some friends all expressed their sympathy to me, but that was about it. Now, here comes the unappreciated Me. Suddenly I am at my dad’s beckon call. I am now picking up a lot of the slack. I have gotten a few thank yous and maybe one I appreciated it from dad. A few days after Dawn died, dad needed his medications from the pharmacy. Only problem, Dawn worked at that pharmacy and dad couldn’t bring himself to go in there. I totally understand that so I told him I would get them.
Well, a couple of days ago I realized it had been about 3 weeks since his last refill. Being nice, I call up the pharmacy and had the pharmacist (a close family friend) look to see if dad needed refills. He did, but he had 0 remaining. I called up dad and told him he needed to call his doctor and have the refills called in. He was all like *ok*. The next day I called to remind him. Again, *ok*. Well, about 4 days go by and no word on anything. So I call up the pharmacy again. His refills are ready to be picked up, and had been for 3 days. So I went and got them. No thank you or any acknowledgment. Then it’s all about Kearstin, suddenly all her shit is more important than everyone else’s and so is dad’s. I am doing everything he asks of me and then some, but he could give a shit.
After Dawn died, arrangements were made by her mom and dad for everyone to get something of hers as a keepsake. Everyone got something that was special in it’s own way and tied that person to Dawn. I got nothing. So Gram drops off a bunch of stuff to my dad’s and he can’t bare to look at it let alone go through it all. Guess who is summoned for the task. Yeah, me. I had to go through all of Dawn’s clothes to make sure nothing of Kearstin’s was in there by mistake. At this point dad says that I can have some of her clothes. The last thing I needed was to be given a dead woman’s clothes. But hey, I needed something of hers’.
I don’t want to hate my dad the way I did before. I don’t want to resent my family the way I did. All this was when I was raising dad and Dawn’s adopted daughter for them. I never was thanked for that. Whenever I had something big to tell them, some milestone I made in school, a great achievement. All that was said is *that’s nice, did you clean the house and make dinner yet?* It was a seldom occurrence to go on a date or hang out with friends. I was not allowed to get a job or do anything for myself. This is what led to my nervous breakdown at age 17. Not to mention the fact that I now find out they helped ruin my damn credit!
I don’t mind helping them out, I want to. They need me and I need them. But come on now! Kearstin gets nominated for the Disney Dreamers and Doers award so dad takes her out to dinner. No one ever celebrated shit for me. I don’t even get birthday presents! He tells Kearstin that she is the most important thing in his life and how he loves her so much and she is his favorite. But I can’t even get a fucking *thanks Melissa, I really appreciated your help and support*. Why do I put myself through all this?
Years ago I didn’t know how to deal with all this crap and I still don’t. I would stuff it all down inside. All my anger all my frustrations, just ignored it all. And I have found myself doing all over again. I can’t keep doing it. I have no one to turn to who will understand. I am just so sick of being ignored and unappreciated. I am starting to really hate my dad again. Maybe I am not as important as Kearstin, maybe I wasn’t as big a part of Dawn’s life as I thought. And after being told countless times how I am nothing and will amount to nothing, how I am stupid, and Satan’s offspring….you start to believe it. What your parents say always holds a small amount of validity and I guess that really sucks now huh.
Told ya it would be long.
~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~
6:59 PM
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...Get Ready For A Rant...
As if I didn't bitch and complain about my childhood enough. Here is what's been going down lately. My stepmom passed on January 28. Suicide. Since then I have been picking up some of the slack. But what bothers me is my dad seems to not even notice that I am helping him in any way. I have gotten a few *thank yous* and maybe one *I appreciate it*. But other than that, he acts as though I am obligated to do every little thing. Even if he doesn't say something about it.
He has found it vertually impossible to go to the pharmacy to get his meds and all, seeing as that's where Dawn worked. I totally understand that part of it. So I offered to pick up his meds for him. He thanked me. But here is where I started to have a little problem with the whole thing. I noticed that it had been roughly 3 weeks since I did a med run for him last, so I call up the pharmacy and asked a close friend, whom happens to be the pharmacist, if dad needed any refills yet. She looked in the computer at his file and he needed his blood presure meds. BUT! He had 0 refills remaining.
I called dad up and told him what I did and told him he needed to call the doctor and get the meds refilled. He was all like, oh, ok. No thank you. So then the next day I called him to remind him to call the doctor. 4 or 5 days go by and I have heard nothing about the meds. I called up the pharmacy and the doc had called in his refills and they had been waiting for almost 4 days now. So I go get them. I did that all on my own and he acted like it was an everyday thing.
Then Kearstin gets this Disney Dreamers and Doers award, she got nominated from her school. They wrote a beautiful nomination for her and it was truly touching. The next day I get a call from dad and Kearstin, they are on their way to dinner to celebrate. When I got promotions in ROTC or any award or anything like that, the typical responce was something along the lines of *well did you get the house cleaned up and make dinner yet*? WTF is that about?
My whole life I was degraded and frowned upon, no matter how hard I tried or what I did. Nothing ever made a difference to anyone. I did everything in my dad's house including raising THEIR adopted child for them. That went on for about 3 or 4 years. No one ever told me I was doing a good job. This was the leading cause of my nervous break-down. I was 17 and having the stress and nervous conditions of a 40 year old woman. I flunked out of high school despite my dreams and goals of becoming a doctor. For what, just to take care of my little sister, to make sure the whole household did not have a lengthy chore list. Yet, I still got in trouble for every stupid thing I did, including failing my classes and being totally exhausted.
I was not allowed to get a job, it was seldom that I got to go on a date or hang out with my friends. My dad went as far as leaving me a message one day telling me I was not his child and that I was the offspring of Satan. I was in a constant state of depression, feeling as though I was the most useless person on earth. When you are told that you will never amount to anything in life, that you are a nobody, nothing, worthless, and dumb, well eventually you begin to believe it. Everything your parents say always holds at least a small amount of validity behind it.
All of those feeling are now flooding over me again, consuming me with negitiveity, feelings of worthlessness, and betrayal. I do not know how to deal with this again. When I was younger, I bottled all of the frustrations and anger I had. Now, I am begining to do the same thing. I did not know how to do this before and I still find myself in the middle of a dark forest with nowhere to go, no one to turn to that can help.
I do not want to hate my dad the way I once did. I do not want to resent my family and feel abandoned yet again. At the same time, I do not want to turn my back on them. Kearstin needs me, she just lost her mother, she needs me to turn to for *girlie* stuff. I have done everything dad has aked and then some, but I cannot just turn away from him. I don't care if he wants me to do things for him, I want to help him when he needs it, but is a *thank you* too much to ask for? Is an *I'm sorry buddy* to much? Is it so hard for him to show his love for me?
Why is it that he tells Kearstin she is the most important thing in his life and he loves her the most, but he can't even buy me a fucking birthday presesnt? This may be all so childish and immature, but I have been dealing with the same shit for years now and I am so sick and tired of it all. According to dad all Kearstin's problems are much worse than mine, and so are his.
When Dawn died, no one even bothered to acknowledge me as part of her life. I was mentioned nowhere. Everyone asked who that girl and her kids were mourning along side John. When it came time for everyone in the family to take a momento from her home to remember her by, I was in the dark. I ended up with the thing I wanted the least. I got a call from dad telling me that Dawn's mom had brought all of her extra clothes over and I needed to go through them to see if Kearstin had anything in the bags, then he told me that if I wanted I could go ahead and take a few things for myself. Didn't I get the shit end of the stick. Who wants a dead person's clothes?! But I needed something of hers.
These people think I didn't love her or something. They think that just because I was her *step-daughter* I was not important enough for any kind of sympathy and comfort. My mom's side of the family some friends and Josh's family are the only people who said *I am sorry* or *is there anything we can do*. I am starting to think that Kearstin is more important than me, that I wasn't as big a part of Dawn's life than I thought, and that I am just everyone's bitch. I must have done some severely bad shit in my past life to get all this BS now.
Dawn used to ask me about my life, how my health was and how I was holding up. Now my dad doesn't seem to give two shits and a fuck what's going on in my life. When I say something about a doctor's visit or my health, he just says *really, well, stay on top of that*. Nothing like, *well how did it go?* *Is your heart ok or is it getting worse?* It's as if my mom and my birth are so far in my dad's past, that he is over it and doesn't care anymore. Not surprising.
This post has become a lot longer than I anticipated. But I had to get it all off my chest. It didn't really do any good though. I am sure I will have a lot more to rant about another time. Until then...Tah
~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~
5:55 PM
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