I Often Wonder About Myself...
Monday, March 14
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…Ready, Set, Rant…
So I haven’t blogged in a while, wich means this may be rrreeeaaalllyyy long.
Quick reference:
John is my Dad
Dawn is my Stepmom
Gram is Dawn’s mom
Kearstin is my sister
As if I didn’t bitch and complain about my childhood enough, it is now coming back to haunt me. January 28 my stepmom died. Suicide. Since then it has been one thing after another. My Dad and little sister have been pretty messed up with it all, so I have been there to help them and comfort them. First of all, no one person seemed to care that I too lost someone. Everyone in her family just kind of sort of sat there and acted as if I was just someone there. I was nowhere mentioned as someone in her life. At both services I was totally ignored. Her stepsister and stepbrother were mentioned but her stepdaughter wasn’t.
Suddenly all attention is on Kearstin. Apparently she is the one most affected by Dawn’s death. My dad even stated that he feels as though no one takes his feelings into consideration when it comes to this. My mom’s family and some friends all expressed their sympathy to me, but that was about it. Now, here comes the unappreciated Me. Suddenly I am at my dad’s beckon call. I am now picking up a lot of the slack. I have gotten a few thank yous and maybe one I appreciated it from dad. A few days after Dawn died, dad needed his medications from the pharmacy. Only problem, Dawn worked at that pharmacy and dad couldn’t bring himself to go in there. I totally understand that so I told him I would get them.
Well, a couple of days ago I realized it had been about 3 weeks since his last refill. Being nice, I call up the pharmacy and had the pharmacist (a close family friend) look to see if dad needed refills. He did, but he had 0 remaining. I called up dad and told him he needed to call his doctor and have the refills called in. He was all like *ok*. The next day I called to remind him. Again, *ok*. Well, about 4 days go by and no word on anything. So I call up the pharmacy again. His refills are ready to be picked up, and had been for 3 days. So I went and got them. No thank you or any acknowledgment. Then it’s all about Kearstin, suddenly all her shit is more important than everyone else’s and so is dad’s. I am doing everything he asks of me and then some, but he could give a shit.
After Dawn died, arrangements were made by her mom and dad for everyone to get something of hers as a keepsake. Everyone got something that was special in it’s own way and tied that person to Dawn. I got nothing. So Gram drops off a bunch of stuff to my dad’s and he can’t bare to look at it let alone go through it all. Guess who is summoned for the task. Yeah, me. I had to go through all of Dawn’s clothes to make sure nothing of Kearstin’s was in there by mistake. At this point dad says that I can have some of her clothes. The last thing I needed was to be given a dead woman’s clothes. But hey, I needed something of hers’.
I don’t want to hate my dad the way I did before. I don’t want to resent my family the way I did. All this was when I was raising dad and Dawn’s adopted daughter for them. I never was thanked for that. Whenever I had something big to tell them, some milestone I made in school, a great achievement. All that was said is *that’s nice, did you clean the house and make dinner yet?* It was a seldom occurrence to go on a date or hang out with friends. I was not allowed to get a job or do anything for myself. This is what led to my nervous breakdown at age 17. Not to mention the fact that I now find out they helped ruin my damn credit!
I don’t mind helping them out, I want to. They need me and I need them. But come on now! Kearstin gets nominated for the Disney Dreamers and Doers award so dad takes her out to dinner. No one ever celebrated shit for me. I don’t even get birthday presents! He tells Kearstin that she is the most important thing in his life and how he loves her so much and she is his favorite. But I can’t even get a fucking *thanks Melissa, I really appreciated your help and support*. Why do I put myself through all this?
Years ago I didn’t know how to deal with all this crap and I still don’t. I would stuff it all down inside. All my anger all my frustrations, just ignored it all. And I have found myself doing all over again. I can’t keep doing it. I have no one to turn to who will understand. I am just so sick of being ignored and unappreciated. I am starting to really hate my dad again. Maybe I am not as important as Kearstin, maybe I wasn’t as big a part of Dawn’s life as I thought. And after being told countless times how I am nothing and will amount to nothing, how I am stupid, and Satan’s offspring….you start to believe it. What your parents say always holds a small amount of validity and I guess that really sucks now huh.
Told ya it would be long.
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6:59 PM
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