I Often Wonder About Myself...
Saturday, January 12
~(~@--------------------------------oOo-----------------------------@~)~
I am such a sensitive person! I here about someone's bad day, or unfortunate heartache and cry myself! Is that good? I just have extra emotions...Anyone wanna barrow some? LOL I also need to get some stuff off my chest...Be warned this may go on for a while an dit may be painful.............................
I am upset, My Nana Shirley died on the one year anniversery of my car crash...*11/22/00* and so much had happened between now and then that I almost feel like I didn't have time to mourn her death! She dies a few days before thanksgiving day, and the Christmas came right after...then the new year, and another family member got really sick *He dies in May* then I moved and even though it was 7 months afterwards, we had Nana's service. Then, Josh moved up to Tampa and we got our apartment, then mom moved, the my aunt got diagnosed with cancer....so you see where this is goin??? I have had a rough year and everyone is dieing and sick and I am so scared to get close to anyone! I am so scared that my friends will get sick too! I used to fear my friends hating me, and that is still an issue. But now I dont want to leave the house. My dad kept telling me that I had to bring the baby to see Nana, because dshe isn't a spring chiclen anymore and she should see him. So what did I do?! I kept him away from her hoping that she posessed that will to live thing, and that she wouldn't go until she met him! But that wasn't it! I got a call from my dad one night and he told me nana wasn't expected to make it through the night. I woke up at 5am the next day and drove to melbourne with josh and the baby....I saw her in a way I never imagined she would be. She was weak, she was in need! A woman that never once in her life asked for help, or complained of an ache or pain, or even a cold was damn near dead in front of me and my whole family. She signed a DNR so I knew there was nothing that could be done. Do you know how that feels?! I kept her great grandson from her so she would stay alive! and now I only have pictures to show branden, and he isn't in any of them.
Now Nini, *my great-aunt who raised me for a while* has cancer! This time I have no control over it all, It's not like I can pack up the baby and hop a plane whenever I want! Money doesn't grow on trees! And for some reason Grandma *mom's mom* thinks I am rich or something like that!? So whenever they call me I hear all about *you need to bring that baby to us! Meleesa! We'll never meet him......."they're spanish"* so I feel like if Nini doesn't make it then It'll be my fault that she never met Branden! That is an aweful place to be in! I don't know! I feel like there isn't anyone I can turn to about death. When Nana died, I felt like I had to be strong for my dad. couldn't go to mom....that was her EX mother-in-law so why should she be concerned? Not josh, he never knew her. Wehn uncle ern dies I felt bad going to anyone in josh's family cuz he was their relative....not mine...same when aunt betty died not my relative....... Now Nini...If she goes.............I have no clue what to do! I am so sick of trying to keep it together for everyone! Why can't I just deal wqith death like everyone else and fall apart, break down into tears?
I want a friend that will be there through everything with me. I need a best friend! thats what I need.....I know Josh is supposed to be my best friend, and he is, to an extent. Sometimes you just need an outsiders opinion or shoulder or whatever! Know what I mean? I better get goin for now... I finally got all that offf my chest and I feel so much better! Thank you blogger!
Love,
*M*
~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~
8:04 PM
0 Peoples Feelin' The Love
Leave Some Love / Read The Love
~(~@------------------------------oOo------------------------------@~)~
