I Often Wonder About Myself...
Monday, October 1
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I am sitting here *bored as ever* looking at Josh passed out on the couch wondering if life is going to be like this forever! I love him with all my heart, soul, my everything. I get so mad at him sometimes. I get so mad I cry! How can I get so mad, so frustrated with the man i am going to spend the rest of my life with?!?! But I know that the anger and pain will pass. I feel so bad because of what he goes through for me. I am always in the hospital. I have been on deaths door more than 5 times in the past 2-3 years. I can't get a stomach virus without ending up in the hospital for days on end. Yet he is there. He is there with a kiss for me even in the grosses of times. How can i get mad at him after he's done that? I know I am not going to outlive any of my friends and that scares me! KNowing I could have a heart attack or stroke, knowing that I may be alone when it happens. How can someone love me knowing this?!?! I would go through hell for my family! But knowing someone would do the same for you is hard to believe. How can I get mad at him?! If my friends knew the severity of my illness... They would totaly FREAK OUT! Annie, i read your blog and I admire that you feel that way. But it scares the hell out of me because I am not ready, I know I have more to do. Just bringing my son into this world took 10 years off my kidnies. I am so in love that when I am mad at him, I get more mad at myself. Again this is why *I Often Wonder About Myself*! He doesn't understand how I feel, because he doesn't really know. And yes this is my fault. I am so emotional! I hate PMS!!!! I REALLY DO!!!!!!!!!! I don't have the strength and the energy to do some of the smallest tasks in my days. I can't take a day off, and that makes me mad at Josh. Why? I don't know! I need sleep. I think I am jelous! I am depressed and emotional but I promise it only happens once a month, but it hits hard on a quarterly basis. :) I love all my friends and you will all be at my wedding (whenever that may be)
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!
~Melissa Brooke Willey~
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